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Sunday, July 12, 2020

Sunday Night Reflections/Had It Not Been For You


A few days ago a friend called and told me that his cousin had just committed suicide. He hung himself. As my friend talked, I knew that what he was trying to do was find an explanation as to why he would do this. He said, "He was smarter than me! Not only was he an attorney, he was an accountant." It had been a number of years since I saw him, but I remember him as being quite intelligent, very attractive, and having a wonderful sense of humor. As my friend talked, my thoughts went back to a very dark time in my own life.

At the age of 23, I felt that I just could not go on. I saw absolutely no possibility of a future. I was able to get a hold of a bottle of pills that I knew would end my life. I sat down, and poured the pills out on the table. There were so many events that lead up to this moment, and each one seemed to be crushing in on me at that moment.

When I was only 15 years old, I gathered my meager savings, and purchased a ticket on a Greyhound bus in order to escape sexual abuse. I knew that if I could get to my grandparents, I would be safe. And so I rode, all alone for over 1200 miles. When the bus pulled into the station in my hometown, my grandparents were there waiting for me. They looked like angels. They had no idea of what I had been through, and I never told.

Five years later, I had married and found myself in a nightmare. He was extremely abusive. After the last beating, I knew that if I didn't get away, I would not be alive for very much longer. Once again, I found myself on the road in the middle of the night, headed to the safety of my grandmother. My bruises and my swollen face told her all she needed to know. Thankfully, I knew a wonderful couple who had connections with a woman who could help me. I went into hiding for a while. When I emerged, I tried to get a divorce, but at the time, in the state of Texas, I needed his consent. There would be no divorce as far as he was concerned. 

After a few years had passed, I decided that it would be best to move back to Chicago and be close to my mother. Before I made the move, I came to Chicago, found an apartment, and told the landlord that I would be back in two weeks to move in. What I didn't know is that he had sold the building, and left the city with my money. So, I had no apartment, and my money was gone. Welcome to Chicago. My timing could not have been worse. There was a horrible recession and jobs were quite scarce. Interview after interview resulted in nothing. One interviewer had even asked me why I would leave Houston where due to the oil industry, things were booming and come to Chicago. I wondered the same thing. 

With my money quickly disappearing, I had no idea what I could do, and to be honest, I was so very tired of fighting. So, I sat down with every intention of ending my life. As I picked up the first handful of pills, the phone rang. A company that I had interviewed with two weeks prior asked when I could start. There was my light, there was hope.

To say that the phone call ended everything for me would not be the truth. Depression was a constant companion for many years. I once asked my husband what he prays for when he kneels at church. He said, "I pray that you'll find peace." 

What I could not see on that day was that all of the good things of my life were just ahead of me. I was only weeks away from meeting my husband. I could not even imagine that I would one day learn to fly. That I would be able to host thirteen exchange students from all over the world. I had no idea that I would have the opportunity to fly over 500 inner city children and introduce them to aviation. I had no idea that my precious dogs would come into my life and love me so unconditionally. And the list goes on. 

When the COVID virus began to heat up here in the United States, three of my former exchange students called to see how I was doing. Each of them reminisced about their time with me. Two of them now have small children. They asked how old I was when they lived with me, and were shocked to here that I wasn't old enough to be their mother. They were all the more in awe of the fact that I was so much younger than they are now, and they are having difficulty with babies, while I dealt with teenagers. Each of them told me how grateful they were for the time they spent with me, as it had changed their life.

A number of years ago, I had the opportunity to experience a wonderful actor. In every play I saw him in, his talent just blew me away. But here he was in a very small town theater. For the life of me, I couldn't understand why he didn't venture out, he was so much better than where he was. I was told that he worked at Starbucks. So, one morning, I went in, ordered a cup of tea, and told him that I think he is an amazing actor and that he should be doing so much more than local theater. We actually became friends. During a conversation he told me that he was a big fish in a small pond. I said, "oh, you aren't even in a pond, you are in a puddle." A year later we met for coffee. He was so excited. He had left the small town theater, and moved on to a much larger company where there was great exposure, and had just won a very prestigious award. He said, "Rhonda, had it not been for you, this never would have happened."

When I hear of those who have been successful at committing suicide, I wonder why I was saved, why did that phone call come at that exact moment? Where was their phone call, why weren't they saved? Of course there is no answer. 

There are so many who are suffering at this moment in time. It seems that there is no end in sight. Will life ever be "normal" again? I will say this, once I was sexually abused, my life did not return to "normal." Once I experienced physical abuse at the hand of my ex-husband, my life never went back to what it had been before. But, it has become better. 

If by chance you are reading this and feeling that there is no hope, there is! Your life matters. My life has been of no great significance, but I am so grateful that in some small way I was there to make other lives a little better. I think that one of the greatest gifts of my life was to be told, "had it not been for you." There is someone waiting for you to make a difference. There are gifts that are waiting for you. I now believe that by the very fact that I am still here, my greatest days are still in front of me, and they are for you as well.      



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33 comments:

  1. Rhonda, I wish I could just give you a big hug for all the wisdom and beauty you share... I had no idea that those hard times were part of your story, and I just had tears in my eyes... Lovingkindness and blessings to you!

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    1. I know that my little dog Berkley came from a very difficult situation. There are times that he seems to look into my eyes and say, "we aren't going to think about that anymore." :) I think that in a way, as we go through our lives, we want to be like Berkley, it's just easier to put those awful experiences aside. But, try as we may, they still come back to haunt us. Maybe it's so that we will share our story, and help others with their pain. I too wish you could give me a hug. I so miss hugs!!!

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  2. Thank you for your courageous testimony and these beautiful words of encouragement.

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  3. I'm so glad grace and peace have entered your life, and that you shared your life experiences with your readers.

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  4. Rhonda, thank you for this. It is truly inspirational, and just what many of us need right now.

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    1. I hope that it will help. It wasn't easy to write, but if it gives someone hope, it will be worth it.

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  5. Thank you for sharing. I'm so glad you have found purpose and happiness.

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  6. Thank you for your words & presence in the lives of many. You are a gift of Grace.
    Blessings.

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  7. Thank you. You are such a shining light, not only to the young people who were fortunate to enter your life but to your readers. You share your creativity and wonder with us all.

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    1. Thank you Karen. I do love sharing all the things that bring me so much joy :)

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  8. Thank you for being so generous in sharing your experiences and your learning. I think I can understand how flying would be such a freedom for you and your spirit.

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    1. I find a lot of peace when I am in the air. I look down at the world, and whatever may be bothering me becomes so very small. I'm so very fortunate :) Thank you for your note.

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  9. Well put. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Now I want to touch base with everyone I know! I am so glad that you are keeping in touch with us!

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    1. Please do! You never know how much just a call can mean to someone. Thanks for your note :)

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  10. Rhonda, You are so wrong. You are a joy and inspiration to so many more than you know. Your life has great significance and you are a friend to many who have never spoken to or met you. I'm greatful everytime your post shows in my inbox. It will inspire me, one way or another.
    Grateful,
    Regina

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  11. Dearest Rhonda,
    I was just heartsick reading your story. Thank God you didn't take those pills! I know SOMEONE was praying for you. You are so pretty, talented, loving and kind. I know for sure there are many other people who would not be like they are now if it hadn't been for you in their lives. God bless you. I hope you were able to forgive those awful people -- for YOUR sake -- not theirs.

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    1. Hi Joy! It's ironic that you say that. An older friend of mine told me that there were times that she would awake at night, and even days when I would come so vividly to her mind, and she would pray. I can say that I have been able to forgive one. My ex-husband has died. When I found out that he was gone, I felt a sense of relief. I know that is terrible to say. I not only suffered at his hand, but continue to have issues that stem from that experience, the tumor in my jaw, so many surgeries, headaches, as well as post traumatic stress. But, I genuinely hope that somehow he was able come to a place where he sought forgiveness/redemption before he died.

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  12. Rhonda...seriously, you need to write a book. This is a story than needs to reach more than just folks who follow an amazing sewing blog... Hugs to you...

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    1. Lisa, you are not alone. My godson's mother has been telling me the same thing. I shared with her that I felt I needed to post this story, and she was so happy as she hopes that it will propel me to move forward with telling the whole story.

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  13. Sweet Rhonda........Not only are you generous, kindhearted, thoughtful,considerate, beautiful inside and out,and talented, but you are a survivor in the best sense of the word. Today's post is a priceless gift to anybody who reads it. Thank you for continuing to share yourself with us. ({})

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    1. Thank you Sherry. Writing this story has been on my heart for quite some time. when my friend called and told me about his cousin committing suicide, I knew that i just couldn't put it off any longer. I felt that someone needed me, they needed my story.

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  14. So very powerful...Thank you cannot possibly say it all...but Thank You...
    Sending hugs.

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  15. Thank you for being you and making such a difference in so many peoples lives. I follow you for a connection in sewing, but there is a connection and inspiration in so many other ways. I do wish that your rewards are big. You deserve so much in your life.

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  16. Having been through some similar things myself I know how much courage and strength it takes to say it out loud. Beautifully written and thank you for talking about a very important subject that is so often kept hidden and misunderstood x

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  17. Gracias!, muy hermosas palabras, me ha hecho reflexionar y ver qué todos tenemos una herida por sanar, espero que llegue esa" llamada "salvadora perotengo esperanza de que llegue, GRACIAS!

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  18. Rhonda, this was one of the most beautiful postings I have ever read. Your honesty and sincerity have touched me deeply. Thank you for your openness. The horror you experienced has brought forth kindness and goodness that has touched so many in deep ways. I would venture there are many that you are not even aware of that you have changed with just your smile and kindness. Thank you for being the wonderful person that you are, a treasure.

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    1. Hi Bunny, I am so sorry about not getting back to you sooner. Thank you so much for your kind words. Something like this is not easy to write. But, each time I have heard of another suicide, I have felt all the more compelled to that it was time. I so hope that what I've written will give someone who is hurting some hope.

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