Sunday Night Reflections

The Artist's Way
Week Twelve

We come to our final check in. As I said last week, it's amazing that all these weeks have gone by. What has the journey been like for you? I hope it has been a good journey. One thing that I have learned is that good doesn't always mean easy and it doesn't mean that there weren't some very difficult things to learn along the way. It's the outcome of the journey that defines whether it was good or bad.
When I was first learning to fly, there were days that were absolutely awful, nothing seemed to go right. My instructor and I would return to the airport and I would feel like falling out of the airplane from pure exhaustion. There was even a time that I felt like giving up. Then the day finally arrived for me to take the oral exam and the check ride. When the examiner handed me my temporary license, all the studying, all the hard work, it was worth it. I persevered and I was able to reap the benefit of taking the journey and seeing it through to the end. This is where we are today.
There is another book that is like the second part of this journey and it is called, "The Vein Of Gold," also written by Julia Cameron. For a few years now I have tried to start, I would read the introduction and the first chapter and then stop. What was holding me back? I now know. The very first task is to look at your entire life and write it down. I just couldn't do it. So I returned to The Artist's Way and as I've said a number of times, this has proved to be the most powerful of my three experiences. This time I took steps that have allowed me to look at what has held me back. I have been able to look at the past and see it for what it really was and have been able to move forward. I now feel excited about going through the next book.

I found this on Facebook this past week and I felt that it was very appropriate for tonight's post. We are never a failure if we only try. We may not go where we thought we would, but each experience teaches us something that we need to learn.
If you have been doing the morning pages, I strongly encourage you to keep writing. I think that if you haven't already realized the importance of the morning pages, in time you will. There have been periods of time when I did not write, but over the past ten years I have written more than I haven't and my morning pages have become a period of time that when missed nothing else seems to go right. Remember, in one chapter Julia Cameron talks about that when we write, we right.
Thank you for coming by every Sunday evening. I will continue to check in every once in a while and tell you about my continued journey. I am very excited about some of the things I have planned to do.
Our dreams have been given to us for a reason. It's important to take the necessary steps that are needed to make those dreams come to life. I'll close with a quote that I love, "If you no longer have dreams, you no longer have a life. Search deep, those dreams are there and just waiting for you to bring them to life."
Rhonda

Sunday Night Reflections

The Artist's Way
Week 11

It's amazing to me that we are at the end of week eleven. On one hand, our journey seems to have only started yesterday and yet when I sit back and think of all that has happened over the course of the past twelve (we, or I added an extra week)weeks, I am in awe of all that has happened. Our time together ends next week, but I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you, most of whom I will probably never know, for allowing me to take this journey with you. Thank you for pushing me along when I needed a little extra encouragement to keep going. Each week as I check in, I share personal stories but I still try to keep them some what neutral as I hope that it will spark something in you that you need and that you are not just reading my story. During the past twelve weeks I have taken steps that I never thought I would take and to be honest never even realized were a possibility. I am very grateful for taking these steps as they have wiped away the fog and in some cases, shown a light on things that were so dark that I could not see. As I shared when we began, this is my third time to take this journey and it has proved to be the most powerful.
This was one of my most difficult weeks. Each morning I did show up and I did do my morning pages, but each morning I had a thousand reasons not to write. It held true that when we are struggling the most, a break through is about to happen, and it did. It came about very simply. On Friday night my husband and I watched the show, "Who Do You Think You Are?" The program, if you have not seen it, is basically an hour long commercial for ancestry.com, but it is quite interesting. This past week Rita Wilson, who is married to Tom Hanks, traced back information about her father who died a few years ago. She was shocked to find out just how horrible and difficult his life had been before he came to America. What touched her was that despite all of the horrible experiences, he remained a man who was gentle, kind and most of all, devoted to his family. The story prompted me to talk and I said to my husband, "you know, I just don't understand, if I had a daughter like me, I would be so very proud to call her my daughter."  The next morning when I sat down to write, my words came back to me. As I wrote, I realized that if I had a daughter that was like me, yes I would be proud to call her my daughter, but yet, I find nothing about myself to be proud of. I can very quickly list all of the things I am not, all of the things I have not accomplished. So I asked myself, what is it about me that the mother in me would be proud of? I am generous, I love nothing more than to make someone smile, I have great compassion for others. As I thought about the qualities that I liked and respected, not a one of them had anything to do with accomplishments.
This week we read that it is important for us to just do what we are meant to do whether it brings fame and fortune or not. Last week we read that fame is not the same as success.
A scripture passage came to me as I thought on Saturday;
"You can buy two sparrows for a penny; yet not a single one of them falls to the ground without your Father's consent. As for you, even the very hairs of your head have all been counted. So, do not worry, you are worth so much more than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31.
I once shared that the richest place on earth is the cemetery. There you will find books that were never written, paintings that were never painted, music that was never shared. Yes, we all need to pay our mortgage, buy food and clothe ourselves, but we also need to do whatever it is that we were meant to do. If it brings fame and fortune while we are alive, great, but how many artists have died penniless only for their work to be discovered and then celebrated long after they were gone?
As I thought about the scripture that I shared, I also thought of the song that Mahalia Jackson sang so beautifully. The story of her life has tragedy as all of our lives do, and yet great triumph. She could have made much greater sums of money had she given in and sang the more popular songs of the time, but she remained true to what she felt her calling was and the song, "His Eye Is On The Sparrow," became her signature song. I have included the video below. It's very old, but beautiful nonetheless.


Have a wonderful week.
Rhonda

Sunday Night Reflections

The Artist's Way
Week 10
"How often....even before we began....have we declared a task"impossible"? And how often have we construed a picture of ourselves as being inadequate?......A great deal depends on the thought patterns we choose and on the persistence with which we affirm them."  Piero Ferrucci

Have you heard of Novak Djokovic? This evening there was a piece about him on the television show, "60 Minutes." Luck has a lot to do with his introduction to tennis. It just so happened that his parents had a small pizza shop at a ski resort in Serbia. A tennis court was built across from the restaurant. Novak would sit on the side and watch. An instructor noticed and put a tennis racket in his hands, and the rest is history. He is now the number one tennis player in the world, winning Wimbledon in 2011. Like many of us, there was a period when he too doubted himself and allowed others to intimidate him, two other tennis players in particular. Through perseverance, persistence and visualizing his dream, he was finally able to overcome his doubt and see his dream come to pass.
This week I was on vacation. Before I left, I did all of my blog posts and left them in the draft file so that all I would have to do was push publish each morning. So for quite a few days I knew what my Thursday post would be, but when Thursday rolled around, doubt began to set in. Maybe I should wait...what if my pattern is not good enough...what will be the reaction...doubt, doubt, doubt. I had already asked a few people to test the pattern for me, but they are people that I know and trust. With them is a feeling of safety. But, I persevered, I did push that publish button and despite all the worry, I'm glad I did.
There is quite a bit of discussion in Chapter 10 about fame as well as competition. Both are easy to get sucked into. I really like what Julia Cameron says about fame, "fame is not the same as success."  And about competition, she says, "When we focus on competition, we poison our own well and impede our own progress." 
Quite a few years ago I took a Creative Writing course. A piece that I wrote for the class was quite good. It was about a particular person and how they had handled a situation and how it had affected my life. That Christmas I decided to give this person the piece and I read it out loud for everyone who was there that evening. A friend of mine was there and commented to me later that this person was jealous. I refused to believe that this person could be jealous, but as it turns out, they were. This person knew that I had sent many pieces off for possible publication, but to no avail. A few short months later we were invited for a visit and the very moment I walked in the door it was announced, "I've been published!"  Rather than look at the situation for what it was, I felt defeated. I took the bait and allowed myself to get caught up in the "I"m better than you" competitive merry-go-round. Our artistic talents are not about competition but about using the gifts that we've been given. I now believe that each and every one of us has been given talents and abilities that are unique to us, unique because of how only we can bring them to life. When we feel competitive, we need to look within to see what is struggling to be born.
Our time is quickly drawing to a close, two more chapters and then our final check-in. This week we will look at how we must continue to nurture ourselves as artists. Our value as an artist is not determined by whether our work sells or not. Our credibility lies within. 
This week, try to do Task 4. It asks us to take a look at how we have changed during this journey. Sometimes a look back is a very good thing to do.
Have a wonderful week.
Rhonda    

Sunday Night reflections

The Artist's Way
Week 9
Because of the extra week that I took, we will actually end our journey on Easter Sunday. Rather fitting I think.
So how was your week? Were there any new insights? This week was about finding compassion for who we are and what we have not done as well as learning why.
I may have shared this story with you, so forgive me if I am repeating myself. I have always loved to write. Even as a very small child, I loved to create stories. I always dreaded dinner time because I knew there would be a fight over the fact that I did not want to eat my meal. And without fail, I would spend a good portion of the evening sitting in the corner. What my parents didn't understand was that I didn't mind sitting in the corner. It was my little space where I sat in my little chair where I was alone to dream and create. I would create wonderful stories of other children who had great adventures. By the time I was nine, I decided to write a book. I would arrive at school early each morning. My favorite days were rainy days because they would allow us to come in and sit in the gym and work on our homework. I always did my homework the night before so this was my chance to write. What I wouldn't give to read some of those pages that I wrote so long ago. This week while I was working on my morning pages, the memory of writing "my book" came back to me. Then I suddenly remembered a diary that I kept when I was thirteen. The book had a vinyl cover, it was blue. On the front of the book there was a girl wearing pedal pushers and her hair was tied back in a ponytail. Although this was 1972, the book was straight out of the 1950's. I never hid the book. I kept it on my desk in my room. One day I came home and found that it had been read. I felt so violated. As I look back at what was written, nothing was very earth shaking. I wrote about a boy that I liked, he was a real cowboy from Wyoming. A true cowboy, from his sauntering walk to the faded ring on the back pocket of his jeans where he kept his can of chewing tobacco (it was a different time when even teenagers carried chewing tobacco). That was when I stopped writing. My words, my thoughts were no longer safe unless I kept them all to myself. It wasn't until I took the Artist's Way class the first time that I really began to write once more.
As I went on to write my morning pages this week, I thought more about that little nine year old girl and how much she loved to write her stories and I thought of the thirteen year old girl who suddenly felt her words had to be protected. I thought of how at nine and even thirteen, writing was a fun thing to do, something I looked forward to. It was like play. Could I feel that way again? As it turns out, yes. I gave myself permission to come upstairs after dinner to my favorite room in our home, my husband's office, and write. I felt a dam break, I felt excited about writing for the first time in more years than I would like to think about. The rest of the day can be spent doing all the things I must do, but for a little while each evening, I have given myself permission to reconnect with an old friend. 
The chapter we have just finished also talks about creative u-turns. Will I take one? Maybe. There's a piece of wisdom in the margin of this chapter that says, "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." I would rather experience the gifts that are waiting for me by allowing my words to be free, than to hold them back and keep them all to myself. Is there something in your life that you need to set free?
We move on to chapter ten.  We'll see that as we begin to see our real potential and all the possibilities that are available to us, we reach for blocks to slow our growth. At the root of all blocks is fear.
From my past experience, this is a week where morning pages become difficult. Do them anyway. You will see that there will be a great pay off for your perseverance.
Have a wonderful week.
Thank you for coming by to check in with me. 

Sunday Night Reflections

The Artist's Way
Week 8
Each week as I've come to the weekly check in, I've been aware that there are those who read, but I wondered if anyone was actually following along. Last Sunday night, I came home from mass with an incredible headache and decided that my rest was more important, besides, would anyone really miss my not checking in? As it turns out, yes. Thank you.
I had thought that I would combine two weeks, but as the days went by, I felt that I needed to pause and spend a bit more time on this chapter. So often we rush so quickly through every bit of our life that we miss the small cues that are there, trying to encourage us to go a little more slowly. So that is what I have done, I've lingered a little while longer on a chapter that ironically talks about recovering strength.
The first week, my husband was away on a ski trip. It really couldn't have come at a better time. It gave him a chance to meet with friends and focus on fellowship and fun rather than the stitches that were all over the top of his head. We have been separated many times in the past when he or I would need to be away, but for some reason, this time was very different for me. Yes, I missed him terribly as I always do, but I saw something so much more. There is a scripture that says, "the two shall become one." It says, shall become, meaning, it's a process, not something that happens automatically. Without him here, I realized that so much of what I do relies on the help that he gives me. As we move through our day, he picks up the loose ends and together we make it all work. We are truly becoming one, where one lacks, the other is there to pull it all together.
This has been a very different week. A friend was here visiting for a few days. During one of our conversations she asked me if I liked one group that I am involved with over another. My response with fast and very much to the point. Why, I don't know, but I find that within the one group there is a need to protect the small world that they have built for themselves, to the point of being vicious at times . I explained that what I don't understand is that they don't seem to realize that there is room for all, we all have our unique gifts and the ability to raise each other up and in turn make more opportunities available for everyone. On the other hand, the other group seems to understand the premise of being a part of something so much larger than what one can do on their own. By combining out efforts, we all have a stake in the future of so many. As it turns out, my two weeks both brought about the same message, we need each other, be it a spouse, a close friend or like minded people who work together to build something that is greater than one can do on their own.
If you are following along with me and have already moved on to week 9, very good. Maybe this can be your week to pause, linger a bit before you move on to week 10. I encourage you to re-read the Creative U-Turn section. It talks about how we actually sabotage ourselves. What excuses do we make when opportunity is standing at our door? There is a wonderful quote in the margin, "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." What opportunities have we missed out on because we were too afraid that we would fail? Life is all about attitude and timing.
Have a wonderful week. Take a chance this week and do something that seems a little crazy. Maybe buy a package of crayolas or a set of brightly colored magic markers(I love the name, magic markers. It's all in the name, you pick one up and magic happens!) or a package of  crazy stickers and use them to decorate your morning pages notebook. You know what will feel right for you. Really allow yourself the room to do some playing. Remember, when we play, it's all about fun, not about winning, losing, success or failure.     

Sunday Night Reflections

The Artist's Way
Week 7
I realized this week that the journey through the Artist's Way will finish just as Easter approaches. Rather fitting I think.
This week was about recovering a sense of connection, reconnecting with our dreams, desires, wishes. What is it that we truly want?
My husband, and I, have been dealing with some skin cancer issues for a while, but two years ago it became a much more serious situation. Last December he had a very large place cut off of his head. Now, only two months later three more places were found. It breaks my heart. I hate to see him going through this, and I hate the thought of what will eventually be. I have had three people in my life who have loved and adored me, a great-grandmother, a grandmother, and my husband. What's interesting to me is that none of the three are blood family. My great-grandmother adopted my paternal grandmother, and my grandmother was my mother's aunt by marriage. Both women were precious, kind, loving, and giving. If I were to describe my husband, I would use the very same words to describe him. I'm very fortunate.
An exchange student called this week. He was one of the more difficult students we hosted, but he is the one who loves and respects me the most. He called to check on my husband and to tell me that he will be coming this summer. Wonderful.
Lent began this week. As I sat in church on Ash Wednesday and thought of how I could make my Lenten experience richer, I decided that a small fast (only one meal per day) is what I would like to do. It is proving to be very powerful, I give up a small thing and I'm rewarded with something so much greater.
Through my morning pages I was able to remember and make a connection that has eluded me for a very long time. I will admit that it was not a pleasant experience, memories can be that way. But it has prompted me to do something that I have thought about for quite some time. I am finally in a place where I can put fear aside and look truth in the face.
This week will be our eighth week. The chapter is all about recovering a sense of strength. We will see that in order to move through loss, we must first acknowledge it and then share it. For many of us, our losses are kept tucked away in a place where we think they are protected. But hidden away, they continue to poison us, convincing us to settle for far less than we deserve.
Wherever this week takes you, I wish you a week of grace, beauty and a determination to really live each day.

Sunday Night reflections

The Artist's Way
Week 6
Last year I shared that took down some paintings that have been a part of my life for basically, all of my life. I struggled with what I should do with them and finally decided to donate them to a charity that I felt could benefit from selling the paintings. Since that time, I have not picked up a paint brush, at least not to paint with. On Friday I attended my first art class since that time. As I wrote that morning I wondered how I would feel. Would I continue to feel that shadow hanging over me that had told me so long ago that I had no talent? The good news is that I didn't. Mind over matter, maybe, but does it really matter? I think not. I felt liberated, free to express myself and an excitement about what I want to create.
This past week was about restoring a sense of abundance. My new found sense of abundance came to me as a feeling of finally being able to shed the weight that has held me back, a weight that should have never been placed on me. My dreams are a gift and have been given to me because I can bring them to life like no other person. I once shared that the richest place on earth is the graveyard. There you will find books that were never written, songs that have never been composed, paintings that were never painted, in short, lives that were never lived to their fullest, lives that were never lived in abundance. If we don't do what is necessary to conquer our enemies, they'll taunt us our entire lives and keep us from the rich and full life that we were created to live.
We move on to week 7, recovering a sense of connection. We'll see some of the reasons we hold ourselves back, perfectionism,the fear of taking a risk and the big one jealousy. I love what Julia Cameron says about jealousy, that it is actually a map that can  lead us to where we actually want to be. In connecting we come to realize that there is room for us all. Jealousy says that there is room for only one. It doesn't allow for the abundance of the universe.
In this week's list of tasks we are asked to visit a sacred place. This week will begin my favorite period of the year, lent which builds up to Easter Sunday. So this task will be quite easy for me. Another task that I would highly recommend is the task of creating a collage, an autobiography of sorts. Grab a stack of magazines and give yourself 20 minutes to go through and quickly find images that depict your past, present, future or anything that appeals to you. Arrange them on a board and display the board. It can be a great reminder of what is important to you for your life.
As always, thank you for stopping by and sharing in my journey. It is truly and honor.
Wishing you a wonderful week.
Rhonda

Sunday Night Reflections

The Artist's Way
Week 5
I'd like to thank all of you who have sent such wonderful notes wishing me a speedy recovery. The week began with me feeling very tired, extremely tired. I thought it was because I had not slept well for a few days, but as it turns out, I was getting sick. By Wednesday night I had a very sore throat and by Thursday, I had a horrible headache and the beginning of a fever blister. This evening I decided I needed to get out so I went to Mass. Ironically, the first scripture was about a person with leprosy!! I guess God does have a sense of humor.
So week five, recovering a sense of possibility. As you know, a good portion of my week was spent lying in bed. Although I missed three days of morning pages, once again, a powerful week. What struck me was the question in the tasks that asked what is my payoff for staying blocked. Blocked, me, blocked? As it turns out, very much so. I realized that there are many aspects of my life that although I am quite proud of, I guard them fiercely. For years someone would compliment a garment that I was wearing and depending upon where I was, I would just reply with a thank you. My husband would ask why I didn't say that I had made what I was wearing. The reason for my secrecy was to protect myself, at least so I thought. I learned to sew in order to have clothes and I had been taunted in school because I couldn't afford what many of the other girls could. I segment my life into this group knows this part of my life, and this group knows another part with few who really know me. So what is the payoff? I think that I have felt that I am protecting myself, but from what? Someone who makes a judgement based on poor judgement, jealousy or just plain ignorance?
This blog was started because my acupuncturist had insisted that I needed to find some means to share what I do. When I named the blog "Rhonda's Creative Life," I felt uncomfortable, vulnerable, but I was determined to carry through. It was actually the first time that I was able to stand up and say that yes my life is creative.
As I thought about all that I keep to myself, or only share with certain people, I decided that it's time to just be who I am and then came the sore throat, a coincidence I'm sure, but nonetheless I think it's very ironic that the two came at the same time.
Now we start week 6. This will mark our halfway point. A sense of abundance. Do we really believe that there is enough for all? The author challenges us to write about the god that we do believe in and the god that we would like to believe in. By all means do something that you feel is luxurious. It does not need to be a new fur coat. Maybe it's as simple as buying a beautiful new bra or a special bottle of wine.  Also do the task of keeping a journal on everything you buy this week. It can be very enlightening.
Wishing you all a wonderful week.
Rhonda
    

Sunday Night Reflections

The Artist's Way
Week 4
How was your week? Mine was good, actually, very good. A friend pulled me aside yesterday and told me that she had been struggling lately and then saw my posts on the Artist's Way, purchased the book and is beginning the journey. Another told me that she is doing the morning pages, but not working through the book at this point. Both are wonderful. I think we seek what we need at that particular time in our life.
As I wrote my pages this week, there was one particular day when pieces of the puzzle came together, ah ha...now I understand...this event happened and then this is how I dealt with it. I have found it extremely empowering to understand my actions. I found the root, I was able to pull it out completely intact and examine the events that caused the root to form in the first place and the events that allowed the root to grow. The problem is that this root did not bear a beautiful plant, but an ugly weed, i.e. thoughts of failure and blame where it did not belong. When a dandelion is pulled, if the entire root is not pulled along with the plant, another plant will grow. By allowing myself to fully examine the events that caused the actions, the entire root was pulled and in turn the weed can no longer grow.
There have been wonderful moments of synchronicity this week. I have always wanted to dance. When I was growing up, I was taught that dancing was a sin (I never bought into that idea) and so I was never allowed to dance. This week my husband and I were invited to join a wonderful dance club. It's a wonderful time, the ladies really dress in lovely evening gowns and men in tuxes. I explained that I am not much of a dancer but I have the will to learn. Then I decided that I would like to find a dance class hopefully not to far from my house and take a few lessons before the next party. Low and behold, a Living Social coupon came up for dance lessons and the studio is not more than two miles from my home!! Yea!!! So yes, a very good week.
Week 5 is now ahead of us. This is a week where we will begin to see that there are no limits to what is possible in our lives and we'll discover why we have placed limits on ourselves. We'll see that there has been a payoff of sorts for remaining stuck.
If you have stopped by this evening, thank you, thank you for sharing in my journey.
I wish you a week filled with the realization of possibilities. I have found that there is nothing more exciting than seeing the Almighty hand at work in our lives.
Have a wonderful week.
Rhonda

Sunday Night Reflections

The Artist's Way
Week Three
Tonight, I find that I'm tired and there's a little me sitting on my shoulder saying, "it's okay, so what if you don't check in? Just go to sleep, it'll be fine." You see who won, obviously not the little me on my shoulder because here I am.
Week three is an emotional week. The author talks a lot about anger, synchronicity and finally growth. She says, "Growth is an erratic forward movement; two steps forward, one step back. Remember that and be very gentle with yourself. You are capable of great things on Tuesday, but on Wednesday you may slide backward. This is normal. Growth occurs in spurts. You will lie dormant sometimes. Do not be discouraged. Think of it as resting."
When I began this process, had I known then what I know now, I don't know that I would have committed to such a public forum. I must say though that I appreciate that the comments have been few and those that I have received have been kind. Maybe many of you are adhering to the old saying, if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. If that's true, thank you.
I have thought all day about my check in this evening. It didn't help that I was in a car all day with nothing more to do than a little knitting. The fact of the matter is that I would rather keep it all to myself, but I committed to sharing, so I will.
Although the  morning pages and the artists dates are the backbone of our journey, the exercises are very much an important part of the process as well. This week, one of the exercises that I did was on page 73. It has to do with detective work. The questions seem simple enough, my favorite childhood toy was....my favorite childhood game and so on. As I answered the questions, I suddenly realized that in my mind my childhood ended at 14. In the blink of an eye I went from being a child to operating as an adult. An example; I came home from school one day to find my mother on the floor of the bathroom. I took her to the doctor and he said that rather than calling an ambulance, I should drive her to the hospital and he would meet us there. Inside I was screaming that I was only fifteen and only had  a driving permit, but I remember feeling that my role was crucial in saving my mother, so off we went.  I came home that evening feeling so overwhelmed. I had an eleven year old brother and he needed care. So that night I began to play the role of the adult. I sat the table for breakfast and made pancake batter that could easily be cooked the following morning. She was in the hospital for a month.
Each night we would go to visit our  mother. No one asked how we were getting there or how we were getting home. One day my brother asked what we would do if we were stopped. In my innocent way of thinking I told him that we would tell the truth, we were alone, our mother was in the hospital and we wanted to see her. Now as an adult I know that had this happened, we would have ended up in foster care so fast our heads would have spun. We had a mother who was incapable of taking care of us and a father who wouldn't.  
The only birthday I have ever mourned was when I turned twenty. This would seem strange to most, I'm sure, but I remember being so excited about becoming a teenager. Although the thirteenth birthday marks the official beginning of the teenage years, nothing really starts to happen for a few more years, finally being able to wear makeup, getting a driver's licence and being able to date. The years that should have been filled with such happy milestones and thoughts of where I would like to go to college were spent watching my father lie to a judge and say that my mother had caused him such mental upset that it had rendered him ill all while she laid in a hospital bed. Worrying about getting snow tires off the car so that we wouldn't get a ticket that we had no extra money to pay and finally spending so much time being treated for ulcers because the burden of it all was so overwhelming.
With my new found revelations, I have experienced quite a bit of anger this week, but I have also found a tremendous amount of compassion for that child who did the best she could. Yes, I was still a child that only acted as an adult because there was nothing else I could do. How grateful I am that that period is over.
What does this all mean? I really don't know. Maybe it's just another step, maybe it's something more, I don't know. One thing I do know is that I am hardly unique in my experiences and I know that there are those who have experienced far graver situations than I have. My prayer tonight is that if this is you, you will be able to find the same compassion for yourself that I have. A child may be able to act as an adult, but they are still very much a child.
And so we move on to week four. This week we will work toward recovering a sense of integrity and discovering a new self awareness. One of the most important tasks this week is reading deprivation. I will challenge you one further, turn off the television. I know from my past experience that week four is a powerful week.
Thank you for coming by this evening.
Rhonda         

Sunday Night Reflections

The Artist Way
Week 2

So how was your week? It has been a rather busy week for me. We hosted a family that included three young boys. Finding a quiet place for myself was a bit challenging at times. One day I ended up in the bathroom only to have my husband knock on the door and ask if I was alright since I had been in so long. He then saw that I was writing and understood.
I said last week that this journey is turning out to be quite different from my last two experiences, much more of a spiritual journey. I'm realizing areas of my life that I would like to work on, things that I don't want to take into the second half of my life.
This week the chapter was about recovering a sense of identity. Who are we, what do we want from this life? We all long to feel that we have a place in this world, that we matter. All too often I know I have compromised what I want in order to appease another person. Two quotations that stood out to me this week are, "to know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive." The other quotation is, "every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness." Sadly, I have known this all too often. The author of the Artist's Way, Julia Cameron says, "we focus not on the responsibilities to ourselves, but on our responsibilities to others. We tend to think such behavior makes us good people. It doesn't." This is something I have struggled with this week. Where do I draw the line? As children, one of the first words we learn to say is no, but for some reason as we grow older it becomes one of the most difficult words to say and so we compromise what we want in order to not hurt another person. The person we end up hurting though is ourselves. Realizing that my dreams, my goals are not only important to me, but are God given is all the more reason why I need put aside the feeling that I should always put myself second, or even last.

This upcoming week we will be recovering a sense of power. We will learn that anger is a powerful tool. Anger is not the action itself. It is action's invitation.
If you are working along with me, please continue to do your morning pages and by all means keep your artist date. The date does not have to be something huge. This week I gave myself a much needed pedicure. It was time I had alone and it was a way of saying that something that makes a part of my body feel so good is important to me. Read chapter three and try and do at least half of the tasks at the end of the chapter.
Remember, this is not about succeeding or failing. If you have decided to just follow me, that is fine. I hope that in time my journey will fuel yours.
Wishing you a wonderful week. 

Sunday Night Reflections

The Artist's Way
Week One
Although I have been through this process twice before, this is proving to be an eye opening experience once again. Last week I shared that I had an epiphany of sorts. For so many years I have felt that somehow I had been left out or part of a cruel joke, but in a moment everything changed and I suddenly saw my life, just as it is, a wonderful gift. What caused this to happen? I don't know but I can say that it has changed the way I have looked at each and every day since.
This week was also a very emotionally charged week. Early in the week, I was up early working on my morning pages. The night before I finished a book that I had been reading, "A Life God Rewards." I have always felt that we create our eternity by how we live our life here on earth. What we do and fail to do goes with us. When I first got the book, I didn't realize that this is what the book is about. As I was writing that morning I realized that I feel that nothing I have done really measures up. Then suddenly, I felt God speak to me, not out loud, but in my spirit. What came back to me was something I felt was very simple, prayers that I have said and  the desire that I have that a person I care very much for will seek redemption before their life is over and it's too late. I have prayed for this person for quite a long time and have refused to give up. As I wrote, I began to cry and I realized that what I felt was not sadness, but a feeling of being overwhelmed by actually being in the presence of God. It was the most wonderful feeling. Each morning since, I have jumped out of bed to write, hoping that I would once again feel that same presence. Although I have not, I now know that I look forward to a day when I will be able to feel what I felt that day for an entire eternity. It was that powerful.
This week I also learned that all too often I put my desires aside in order to not upset another person. I was in Denver and wanted to go to a wonderful fabric store, Denver Fabrics for my artist date. In order to do this, I was going to have to ask my husband to drop me off and in turn, he would have to find something else to do while I was there. I so wanted to go, but I thought that he would want to get up to the mountains and would not want to allow me the time. Back and forth I went in my mind and then finally all I did was say that this is something I would like to do. He was more than willing to accommodate me. I had such a wonderful time. And yes, I did buy some fabric!!
The first chapter of the Artist's Way is about recovering a sense of safety. When I struggled with asking for something I wanted to do, it was because I was afraid of being denied. It was easier to deny myself, or so I thought. When we deny ourselves we're saying that we are not important. But we are.
Week two is about recovering a sense of identity. We will learn how important it is to pay attention, to listen to our hearts. If you are working along with me, please continue to do your morning pages. I was quite surprised when I read ,"It is very important to understand that the time given to morning pages is time between you and God," interesting in light of what I experienced this past week. Make time for an artist date. It is through your dates that you will once again learn to play and find delight in what interests you. Try and work through as many of the tasks at the end of the chapter as you can. Especially try and do task number 7. I think you will find it quite enlightening.
Thank you for stopping by.
Wishing you a wonderful week.
Rhonda                  

Sunday Night Reflections

The Artist's Way
Week One
Last Sunday I posted that I would be starting the journey of working through the Artist's Way and I invited anyone who would like to join to come along with me. I was actually surprised and quite happy to receive the emails and the messages that I did. It was extremely encouraging. For those of you who have chosen to take this journey, I think that you will find it life changing. For many of you, you were not able to get the book until later in the week so I decided that rather than beginning with the first week, we will begin this week with reading the introduction pages up to the first chapter, doing morning pages and taking your artist date. As is explained in the introduction, the morning pages and the artist date are non negotiable. The morning pages must be written by hand, not typed on the computer. As the author explains, we write and we right. Getting started with the morning pages can be difficult, I know, but the pay off is worth the effort and I think that you will find that they will become an important part of your life. So if you have not read the introduction pages, please do so and by all means begin with the morning pages. If you would like, email me on Sunday and check in with me about your week. Tell me about your experience with the morning pages, what you did for your artist date. Rest assured that what ever you decide to share will remain with me and will not be shared.

So this is my first week to check in. It has been quite a week. Since I was a child, I dreamed of having my own family. I even thought of names for my children. When my husband and I married, we tried to start a family, but sadly, nothing we tried worked. As time went on, I became more and more depressed. It seemed that every time I turned the television on, another child had been killed. How was it that this person was so much more deserving than I? Was there something so wrong with me that I could not be trusted with a child? And so I sunk, deeper and deeper. Little did I know at the time that my husband prayed for me to find peace and his prayer was answered when I decided to learn to fly. So often I'm asked why did I want to learn to fly? I quite simply needed to accomplish something that I could have control over. Did it take the place of a family? No, but the experience gave me confidence and helped me begin to believe in myself and my abilities. But still, for all these years, in the back of my mind I have continued to feel that for whatever reason, I wasn't chosen for what I believe to be one of the greatest gifts on earth. And then this week it happened. It was as if a steamed mirror was swiped and I could see the truth. It was always there, I just couldn't see it. Some friends who have three young boys came for a visit over the New Year's weekend. As they were getting ready to leave, I suddenly realized that my life, just as it is, is a gift. I wasn't passed over or left out, but chosen for the very life that I have. And at that very moment I thought, I love my life. It was an epiphany of sorts. This happened on Monday and since then I have felt as though a cloud was lifted and I have felt a joy that I don't know that I have ever experienced before. At this point, I feel that if I have no other revelation during the next twelve weeks, this was enough, the journey will be well worth just this one experience.

This upcoming week, the first chapter is all about the excuses we make for why we don't pursue our dreams. Little by little we'll chip away the negative beliefs that hold us back and we'll begin to find the origins of these beliefs. Remember, this is a journey of recovery. If you miss a day or two of writing your morning pages, please do not beat yourself up. Just do the best you can.  
Thank you for stopping by this evening. Wishing you all a wonderful week.
Rhonda