A small purple ribbon...and a flood of memories...
As I was leaving an evening mass service, a young woman, holding a basket of purple ribbons, reached out with one in her hand and cheerfully said, "This is to remember that October is domestic abuse month." Taking the ribbon in my hand, I looked at her and asked, "So...what does this mean?" She replied that it was just a reminder that it was domestic abuse month. I then asked, "But what does wearing a ribbon do? What is the action that is being taken? Is the church doing something?" At that point, she clearly didn't know how to respond. She just looked at me and said, "We're just asking that you wear the ribbon."
As my husband and I drove home, I thought about a day not long after we began dating. A friend of mine who was in her senior year of dental school and needed to begin seeing patients had asked if I would like to come in. Dental coverage had just been added to my insurance plan, so why not? I had thought that it would be rather fun, I would go in, get my teeth cleaned, we would laugh a bit, and that would be the end of it. But, being a good dental student, she talked me in to having x-rays, and it was then that she discovered a mass in my lower left jaw. Nothing was said at that initial visit. She showed her findings to the head of the school who then saw me at my next visit. He told me of the mass and that it needed more examination, as it could be a cyst or a tumor. The news was shocking, it was a tumor. I left in a fog, not even knowing how to process what I had been told. My husband, whom I was dating at the time had taken the afternoon off so we could go canoeing. When I arrived, I laid back on the sofa, and said the words for the first time, "I have a tumor in my jaw and they won't know if it is cancerous until surgery is done."
The next few weeks were a whirlwind of activity. Root canals were done in order to save my teeth, lots of x-rays taken, and consultations. In one consultation, the surgeon told me that this type of tumor is caused by severe trauma, and then asked, "Have you been in an accident, or suffered a severe blow to your face?" I lied, I lied and said no.
The surgery was preformed, and happily, no cancer was found. But I was told that I would ultimately need reconstructive surgery, and that I would know when it was time.
Fifteen years later, I began to have horrible headaches on an almost daily basis, and there was a small mass in my jaw. I was told when I had the surgery to remove the tumor, I had an 80% chance that it would return. My dentist sent me back to the school where the surgery had been performed.
When the surgery had been done, I was told that in the history of that school, they had never seen a case like mine, and from that point forward, my case would be the final test for all graduating oral surgeons.
So, now here I was, back again, nervous, not knowing what to expect. A lovely woman walked into the room, paused, smiled and said, "So, it was you." She had graduated from this school and had my case as a graduating oral surgeon." Now here she was, the head of the school and would have the opportunity to fix what the tumor and time had done. As we talked, I felt comfortable, but the fact that I had lied all those years ago was still nagging at me. So I said, "I need to tell you the truth. I was in a very abusive relationship where I suffered many blows to my head and body. When the tumor was found and I was asked, I just couldn't tell the truth." Tears welled in her eyes, and she whispered as if she was talking to herself, "The missing link, what you must have gone through." She said that she had wondered how this could have happened, but since I was only 23 years old at the time, she never would have imagined that I had experienced what I had. She then looked at me and asked, "And life now???" I smiled, "I am now married to a wonderful man who truly loves me. No comparison to what life was like so many years ago."
Back in September, I saw this picture in a Yahoo article. Not a real bruise, makeup. The picture was posted by Diala Makki who was trying to bring attention to domestic violence, and she added the question. "How would you react if this was not makeup?"
But, more often than not, it's a face like mine that represents the scars of domestic violence. Those who experience domestic violence do their best to cover their bruises, hide their pain, and like me, will lie. Not to protect the abuser, but to cover their shame, a shame that does not even belong to them.
What everyone sees is this,
But what lies beneath the smile is quite gruesome. Below, a picture of what can happen when someone either enjoys inflicting pain upon another, or who feels that they have the right to use their might to try and control. This x-ray was taken just after surgery, so the braces are still intact. But if you look above the teeth, you'll see plates on either side of my face, another just below my nose. There are plates and screws on either side of my nose that you can't see in this picture. More screws and small plates can been seen along the lower jaw.
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What most want to know is why...how??? I've even been asked, "Didn't you know before hand?" That question is like putting the blame back on the victim.
There are answers to why and how, of course, but for another day. The best part of the story is that I was able to escape, and when I did, I promised myself that this would never happen again. Not all share my story and many remain in abusive relationships for years upon end. They have no resources, no power, and then there may be children that makes escaping all the more difficult.
So, what would you do if you knew someone who was being abused? By all means, do more than just wear a ribbon, and please have compassion.
