Sunday Night Reflections/Had It Not Been For You

A few days ago a friend called and told me that his cousin had just committed suicide. He hung himself. As my friend talked, I knew that what he was trying to do was find an explanation as to why he would do this. He said, "He was smarter than me! Not only was he an attorney, he was an accountant." It had been a number of years since I saw him, but I remember him as being quite intelligent, very attractive, and having a wonderful sense of humor. As my friend talked, my thoughts went back to a very dark time in my own life.

At the age of 23, I felt that I just could not go on. I saw absolutely no possibility of a future. I was able to get a hold of a bottle of pills that I knew would end my life. I sat down, and poured the pills out on the table. There were so many events that lead up to this moment, and each one seemed to be crushing in on me at that moment.

When I was only 15 years old, I gathered my meager savings, and purchased a ticket on a Greyhound bus in order to escape sexual abuse. I knew that if I could get to my grandparents, I would be safe. And so I rode, all alone for over 1200 miles. When the bus pulled into the station in my hometown, my grandparents were there waiting for me. They looked like angels. They had no idea of what I had been through, and I never told.

Five years later, I had married and found myself in a nightmare. He was extremely abusive. After the last beating, I knew that if I didn't get away, I would not be alive for very much longer. Once again, I found myself on the road in the middle of the night, headed to the safety of my grandmother. My bruises and my swollen face told her all she needed to know. Thankfully, I knew a wonderful couple who had connections with a woman who could help me. I went into hiding for a while. When I emerged, I tried to get a divorce, but at the time, in the state of Texas, I needed his consent. There would be no divorce as far as he was concerned. 

After a few years had passed, I decided that it would be best to move back to Chicago and be close to my mother. Before I made the move, I came to Chicago, found an apartment, and told the landlord that I would be back in two weeks to move in. What I didn't know is that he had sold the building, and left the city with my money. So, I had no apartment, and my money was gone. Welcome to Chicago. My timing could not have been worse. There was a horrible recession and jobs were quite scarce. Interview after interview resulted in nothing. One interviewer had even asked me why I would leave Houston where due to the oil industry, things were booming and come to Chicago. I wondered the same thing. 

With my money quickly disappearing, I had no idea what I could do, and to be honest, I was so very tired of fighting. So, I sat down with every intention of ending my life. As I picked up the first handful of pills, the phone rang. A company that I had interviewed with two weeks prior asked when I could start. There was my light, there was hope.

To say that the phone call ended everything for me would not be the truth. Depression was a constant companion for many years. I once asked my husband what he prays for when he kneels at church. He said, "I pray that you'll find peace." 

What I could not see on that day was that all of the good things of my life were just ahead of me. I was only weeks away from meeting my husband. I could not even imagine that I would one day learn to fly. That I would be able to host thirteen exchange students from all over the world. I had no idea that I would have the opportunity to fly over 500 inner city children and introduce them to aviation. I had no idea that my precious dogs would come into my life and love me so unconditionally. And the list goes on. 

When the COVID virus began to heat up here in the United States, three of my former exchange students called to see how I was doing. Each of them reminisced about their time with me. Two of them now have small children. They asked how old I was when they lived with me, and were shocked to here that I wasn't old enough to be their mother. They were all the more in awe of the fact that I was so much younger than they are now, and they are having difficulty with babies, while I dealt with teenagers. Each of them told me how grateful they were for the time they spent with me, as it had changed their life.

A number of years ago, I had the opportunity to experience a wonderful actor. In every play I saw him in, his talent just blew me away. But here he was in a very small town theater. For the life of me, I couldn't understand why he didn't venture out, he was so much better than where he was. I was told that he worked at Starbucks. So, one morning, I went in, ordered a cup of tea, and told him that I think he is an amazing actor and that he should be doing so much more than local theater. We actually became friends. During a conversation he told me that he was a big fish in a small pond. I said, "oh, you aren't even in a pond, you are in a puddle." A year later we met for coffee. He was so excited. He had left the small town theater, and moved on to a much larger company where there was great exposure, and had just won a very prestigious award. He said, "Rhonda, had it not been for you, this never would have happened."

When I hear of those who have been successful at committing suicide, I wonder why I was saved, why did that phone call come at that exact moment? Where was their phone call, why weren't they saved? Of course there is no answer. 

There are so many who are suffering at this moment in time. It seems that there is no end in sight. Will life ever be "normal" again? I will say this, once I was sexually abused, my life did not return to "normal." Once I experienced physical abuse at the hand of my ex-husband, my life never went back to what it had been before. But, it has become better. 

If by chance you are reading this and feeling that there is no hope, there is! Your life matters. My life has been of no great significance, but I am so grateful that in some small way I was there to make other lives a little better. I think that one of the greatest gifts of my life was to be told, "had it not been for you." There is someone waiting for you to make a difference. There are gifts that are waiting for you. I now believe that by the very fact that I am still here, my greatest days are still in front of me, and they are for you as well.