A New Resolve

A cheery Happy New Year from the frozen tundra of Chicago! Rather than my usual 'Good Morning!' greeting this morning, my husband asked, "What is the temperature?" I had not looked, I knew it was cold, but I had already turned up the heat, the house was nice and warm. That's all that mattered to me. So, I pulled out my phone, took a look, yikes!!!, -6 degrees. Now, that's cold! I rather enjoy it though. Yes, it's cold, but I wear LOTS of layers, a mask on my face, a nice warm hat, and I'm good to go :) 

I was very quiet the last few weeks of December. It's such a busy time of year, and having one more distraction from me, I felt, was something you could do without. But, my decision to be quiet was also very much for me. The situation I somewhat told you about in THIS post took quite the mental toll on me. I broke out in a horrible rash all over my chest and down to my waist, had a nasty headache that I just couldn't shake for over a week, and a painful backache. Thankfully, I was able to see my massage therapist 2 weeks in a row, she worked her magic, and my back is feeling so much better. The headache finally subsided, and the rash is healing.

But there was the mental toll as well, which is obvious from all of the physical issues that cropped up. There have been the questions we always ask when someone harms us, especially someone we have grown to care for...and someone who portrays themselves as being a person of great integrity. A friend of mine who is a physiologist, gave me some wonderful advice, to allow myself to feel what I felt. She said that I had a right to be angry, afraid, concerned. In the quiet of the past few weeks, I have allowed myself to feel it all. To say I'm not somewhat angry still would be a lie, I am. Time does heal wounds, and I know that in time I will be able to forgive. But something that I have learned about forgiveness is that it doesn't mean you forget, or even that you should try and forget. The memory is there for a reason, it reminds us of what happened, and helps us be a little wiser as we continue along the path of our lives.

This is the time of year that many of us begin to think of resolutions for the new year. As I thought more and more about resolutions, it occurred to me that a resolution is really quite different from a goal. A firm decision to do or not do something. A goal is something we strive to do, strive to accomplish.

As I thought about a resolution, it came to me that I want to live my life with more intent, to approach my days with my eyes wide open. I want to see the miracles that are constantly happening all around me, those things that can be so easily missed as we rush through our days.   

My husband came down with a very bad cold over Christmas. I had to cancel our annual Christmas Eve dinner, as well our Christmas day festivities. So, I spent a good bit of time alone. On Christmas day, I went to mass alone. As I sat there, I thought of my resolve to pay attention, and I allowed myself to feel the sadness of being alone. And then I thought of a very sweet lady who lost her husband this past year. I thought of her spending her first Christmas without her husband, the sadness that she must be feeling, and I said a prayer for her. I also said thank you for the gift of still having my husband to go home to.

The next evening, I took Gracie for a walk. The snow was lightly falling, and I knew that she would be so happy. This is her kind of weather! As we walked along, I enjoyed the spectacular show of lights twinkling from the houses, and felt their warm glow on my face. Then I came upon an apartment building, and I could hear a piano being played, beautiful music floating out into the night. I stopped on the sidewalk below and enjoyed my very own private concert. With snow falling on my face, and whiteness all around, I realized that I could not ask for a more beautiful concert hall. 

To help me stay focused, I began a new journal. In the evening I have been sitting down and reflecting on the day, the miracles of that day. Even the tiny moments like when I can't find my glasses and I silently say, "Lord help me," then suddenly they appear. Coincidence, maybe, but I prefer to see it as a gift :)

The events of the past months that brought so much mental turmoil, have also brought gifts. My husband who from the very beginning said, "this is not your fault." For the first time in my life I experienced what it is like to have someone defend me and fight for me. There were the friends who came to my defense and those who lovingly counseled me. 

It may sound strange to say, but I am grateful for the events of the past months. By no means does it excuse the behavior of the person, or the mental turmoil it has caused. What I am grateful for where it is all taking me. The quiet I feel in my spirit.

Happy New Year!
May you too find joy, peace and quiet in this new beginning.