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Thursday, August 20, 2015

Become Your Own Role Model

True beauty comes from within,
 and validation and self worth must also come from within.

This past week, while doing a little cleaning, clearing out, I came across some pictures that had belonged to my grandmother, pictures of me, school pictures. I looked, I thought, and I shredded the pictures.
A good portion of yesterday was spent on the internet doing research. I write for The American Opera Society of Chicago, so I research our scholarship winners, operas that they have been in, what's happening in the opera world here in Chicago as well as other cities. The job can be a little overwhelming, and at the same time, quite rewarding. While I was looking around the internet, I just happened upon this byline,
"How To Wear Everything You've Been Told Not To."
Of course it caught my eye, we all want to look our best. There was a video that accompanied the story, so I took a look. To be honest, I had never heard of Ashley Graham, but I loved her enthusiasm. Take a look!

As it goes with the internet, one thing leads to another, and to be honest, I can't remember how I got from her Glamour video to her TedX video, but as I watched the TedX video, her words brought me back to those school pictures and the fact that I had shredded them.



What was it that prompted me to shred the pictures? What was it that I saw? It really wasn't so much about what I saw, but what I felt and what I remembered. My heart ached for the little girl that tried so hard to just look pretty. For me, it wasn't about weight, but a perception of beauty.
My fourth grade picture brought back memories of coming home from school and working with my hair. It was so thick and curly, with what seemed a mind of its own. I would get out my mother's curlers and do my best to tame my hair. Maybe that would make me look pretty.
As the years went on, my hair grew longer, still thick and full of waves. I devoured every fashion magazine that I could get my hands on. There was advice on how to wear makeup, how to frame your face by plucking your eyebrows. I tried it all and yet, when I went to school, I was told I looked like a witch. True enough, my nose is long and I have sharp, piercing green eyes. Boys would laugh and shout out, "beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone." Most days, I would come home in tears. I would look in the mirror and wonder how they could call me a witch, and wonder why I couldn't be pretty like so many of the other girls. My grandmother had told me the story of the ugly duckling more times than I wanted to hear it. I didn't want to be the ugly ducking, it was too hard, and what if it never changed?
Ashley Graham makes the statement in the TedX video that only 2% of the women in the world feel that they are beautiful.
So what is beauty?
Beauty can be seen in the person who has compassion for others. Beauty is seeing joy in another person's face, when they smile without any inhibition. That beauty is reflected back to you when you know that it was you who allowed that person the freedom to feel so uninhibited and free. Beauty can be seen in the selfless act of a child when they want to share their food, their toys, or a kiss.
Beauty is not about clothes, or makeup, or any of the other external things we can surround ourselves with. It's not about how much we weigh, how tall or how short you are, or even the color of your hair. Yes, true beauty does come from within. Some of the most beautiful women I've known would never make the cover of a magazine. But they had a profound sense of making this world a better place, somehow, and making all those around them feel wonderful about themselves.
Shredding those pictures will never make the pain of those young years go away. To be honest, there are more of those pictures in existence, like all school pictures, there were sheets of them! The picture is not the point, the person in the picture is the point. I'm sure that many of you have very painful memories, memories of not being accepted, unloved, not good enough. These things can rob us of being who we were meant to be. But think about it, none of that has anything to do with beauty. It's all about some other person's inability to bring love into other's lives as well as their own.
Be you, be authentic, and know that you are beautiful.

22 comments:

  1. Rhonda, what a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing your story and words of wisdom. I think we can all relate to feeling "not good enough", and this is a good reminder to focus on the important things in life - family, friends, helping others - instead of superficial little things that don't matter.

    BTW, I have huge hair too, and the only thing to do is embrace it!

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    1. Thanks!
      More and more I am embracing my hair and just letting it be what it is and grateful to be blessed with so much :)

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  2. Thanks Rhonda for a very powerful post! I think that everyone, even the 2% that feel beautiful, have days when they feel ugly. I too was teased for my looks as a child. I was always the shortest in every class and since I moved every year, there was always a new crop of kids (and sometimes teachers) who gave me grief about it. I never liked my hair either. It was described as "dirty dishwater blond" and I have been altering its color since I was 13. I think we can all learn from the lesson of embracing authenticity and "being beautiful" by being happy and kind, which shows up as physical beauty on the face and in the eyes. By that, and any other standard, you are a beautiful woman!

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    1. Thank you Julianne :)
      You have truly found a wonderful look for yourself. I absolutely love the navy blue that you put in your hair. So striking! Actually, you are striking whether the blue is there or not :)

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  3. Lovely post! And how true, the beautiful are not necessarily stunning on the outside and as we get older and wiser we can see that so clearly. Yet we are also very hard on ourselves. If only we could see our own beauty and not our faults and weaknesses.

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  4. Thank you for your post! It can be challenging to be your own role model, but the rewards are many. Aside from being beautiful, your talent and generosity are amazing.

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  5. Thank-you for this wonderful post. This is a message girls in high school should read. It would save so much teenage angst over their body and looks.

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    1. The high school years can be so difficult. I always hope when I post something like this that it will reach the right person. When I shredded the pictures, I did it and moved on. It wasn't until I saw the TedX video that the realization came.

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  6. Brava! This is a wonderful entry. Real food for thought.

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  7. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to converse with our younger selves and deliver the confidence that comes with age decades earlier. I was a longed for baby, my parents married many years before my arrival, yet I never felt 'good enough' and strived for my mother's approval for many years. Only recently have I given myself permission to feel that I have done pretty well thank you, and I can't express how good that feels.
    This post should be given to all young people to read. Sadly it would probably still take years before they started to believe the message. Thank you Rhonda.

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    1. I feel the same way, if only I could have talked to the younger me and assured her that it would all get better. Sadly, when we're young, we so long for approval from those around us. Here's to the gift of growing older!!!

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  8. I am IN SHOCK at how you felt when you were younger since you are so pretty now. You know how I LOVE your hair! I was the exact same way. I had buck teeth. Unlike you, I had thin, super straight hair. My Mom would get me a permanent, but ONLY ON THE SIDES. I felt so ugly compared to the other girls. Now, I think that I must really be something because of the amazing man who married me! (-; Year ago, a friend of mine asked Jerry what attracted him to me. He said, "Her brain." LOL!
    Hugs, Joy

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    1. As it turns out, things change and little ugly ducklings do grow up :) Or maybe it's that we find ourselves, or we find people who really see us, and bring out our natural beauty, like your husband. I once heard a minister say that the mark of a good husband can be seen after a couple has been married for many years. If a wife has blossomed into all she should be, her husband has been the man that he should have been. Hugs to you too Joy :)

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  9. My grandmother used to say - Oh to have the beauty of youth with the wisdom of old age. All young people are beautiful in my eyes. I see potential, enthusiasm, expectation and ability to learn and adapt.
    Thanks for your candor and honesty in this post.

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    1. You are such a special person Ruth. A teacher and a mentor you were meant to be :)

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  10. Hi Rhonda, I am a bit late to comment but your post really resonated with me. Firstly, the only "ugly" thing that I could see were those people behaviours towards you when you were at school. How often people cover their own insecurities by being critical to others. I think that you are a beautiful, kind, generous and very talented lady. Many people would be very glad to have those fabulous green eyes and such a gorgeous mane of hair, me included.
    I had the same treatment when I was in school. I was almost 6ft at age 11 and was painfully thin. I was told I was ugly every day, even I have to say sometimes by my own Mother, and this has really stuck and given me confidence issues all my life. I have never felt capable or "good enough". It is only now that I am older and fat (not ashamed to say it) that I actually am feeling a bit more certain of me. I do think that beauty comes from who you are and your actions towards others. I once heard a German proverb that "shiny apples are often rotten at the core" and it has stuck with me ever since. Xx

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    1. I am so very happy that I decided to carry through and write up this post. I think that being able to voice those old pains is so important, not only to free them from our body and mind, but to also give us the chance to see how we have overcome. Your story and the others who have shared is so inspiring. Thank you.
      I remember when I first found your blog. There was a video I watched of this gorgeous young woman doing a strip tease, so tasteful, flirty and fun. She was wearing one of your corsets. I knew then that I wanted to get to know you, at least through the cyber world. You are an amazing woman and through your work, you have given freedom and fun to so many. XXX :)

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  11. Rhonda, having been on vacation I'm late to comment. But I wanted to say what a powerful and courageous post you made. You are so pretty, with fabulous hair. I am sorry your childhood was what it was. Wouldn't it be fun to go back in time and talk to ourselves. I know I would have a lot to say to my younger self. Hugs to you.

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    1. As difficult as those years were for me, my heart breaks when I hear about some of the horrible things that go on today. People hide behind a computer screen and tear other's lives apart.
      It would be wonderful to be able to talk to my younger self and say look, we survive and not only survive but thrive!!!
      Hope you had a lovely vacation :)

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